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Crime and grime in the big city

February 27, 2016

Crime and grime by the numbers. CLICK TO ENLARGE
Chronicle crime news & expert analysis

(SULTAN, WA.) -- It was a dark and stormy January night in the steamy crime noir Metroplex of Sultan, Washington and the usual assortment of miscreants and no account scalawags were on the loose.

However, it didn't do them any good for in the month of January, as in many months past, the scoundrels were all outwitted, outrun, outclassed and outsmarted by the fine men and women of the Snohomish County Sheriff's office.

In fact, this fine publication has it on good authority that January was another month where the numbers of reported crimes declined in the God fearing, gun owning city of Sultan where, if you don't own at least a decent pump shotgun, your neighbors look at you a little funny (as though you could be commie...or worse yet, a liberal).

In checking out the fine color crime charts at upper right you will see - in looking at the numbers of reports taken in town for the following crimes - that Burglaries are down from November when there were 10 reports, to the month of January where only 3 reports were taken.

Yeah. How do you like those numbers sonny boy? Those little dirt bags out doin' crime didn't even have a chance. In fact if you're a criminal reading this right now you may as well give up the life and go to vocational school to learn to be a barber.

And now a moment for education of our criminal population (a public service)

Look, you schmucks. These guys in blue, they got it all. They got DNA analysis, fiber and fingerprint analysis, complete access to the FBI crime lab and profilers, ballistics experts, blood spatter experts, every high tech gizmo in the world.

And what have you got in the face of all that? You don't have diddlesquat in a Tweedledum patch. Compared to them you're basically standing around with your fingers in your nose waiting to get pinched holding a bag of stolen swag.

Get smart for God's sake. When you factor in the time you spend in the slam and on parole after getting caught for crimes, your pay scale on those crimes is below minimum wage. You are, in fact, an idiot working for that kind of chump change.

Wise up. If you wanna do crime and make money at it, you gotta be an educated white collar thief and steal stuff using complicated contracts and intricate scams involving suckers who think they're gonna get rich by doing business with you.

Ever heard of Bernie Madoff? So go become an elected politician (there's BIG money there) a Wall Street banker or investment guru, that kind of thing. Then you'll make some serious money. The kind that's worth the risk of a stretch in the big house.

Back to the crime report. The numbers of Malicious Mischief and Robbery reports are static (that's good) at the very low numbers of 2 and 0 respectively. And there was only a lousy 2 vehicle thefts and 1 vehicle recovery in town.

"These are very good numbers from a historical perspective," according to a statement from the sheriff's office. Now, here's the reason for the low numbers.

Mr. T speaks

A "concerted effort between the Sheriff’s Office and the community," said sheriff Ty Trenary. "We’ve had members of community calling 911 when they see suspicious activity so our Sultan team of deputies can respond and address those issues. We’ve also been able to give the necessary attention to those members of the community who have had problems in the past following the laws. We’re aware of the problem individuals and also aware of the problem addresses where some of these folks have stayed in the past. We’ve applied pressure with the help of the Snohomish County Drug and Gang Task Force to identify those locations and those staying there."

The sheriff's office then works with the property owners or managers to get the property cleaned up. They're currently working on a property on 132nd Street SE that has been "a problem for the neighbors and the community for years." Praise the lord. Can we get an amen on that somebody?

There's some new lawmen on the street in Sultan. The sheriff's office has two new deputies in town:

1) Deputy Mark Bond who'll be working day shift on Thursday, Friday and Saturday and E/O Wednesday. (We don't remember what E/O means, but it means something). Bond (no relation to James Bond) has worked in Sultan on many occasions in the past to fill in and he brings a great deal of passion and experience to the team, according to Sheriff Trenary. (Which is good enough for us. If Mr. T says Bond is a stand up guy then he's a stand up guy.)

2) Deputy Cameron Elwell. He'll be working the same days of the week but on the night shift from 6 pm to 6 am. "He brings energy and drive to serve the people of Sultan," says the T-man. So when you see em' say howdy, how ya doin,' stuff like that. Make them feel welcome.

Now to the nice colored charts at above right. They compare incident types of service as reported for the Sultan Police Department. It should all be self-explanatory and if it isn't, don't blame us. Blame the public education system in this country.

You can also access all this stuff down at city hall if you sign in and pay $320 per hour for viewing the material on the public computer.

Just kidding. Wanted to see if you were reading down this far. And you were.



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