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How giant retailer plans to increase profits going forward

April 24, 2011

The hammer and sickle as it appears on the Communist Party of China flag. The design is part of communist symbolism the world over and its usage indicates an association with Communism, a Communist party, or a Communist state. CLICK TO ENLARGE

Blank slate: Monroe Mayor Zimmerman’s no info approach to governing (as posted on city website) as Monroe’s top elected official. It is said the Z-man refuses to talk with some news media types unless they submit questions in writing. CLICK TO ENLARG
Dear reader,

You are about to go where no ordinary Americans are ever allowed to go. Into the CEO’s office at Walmart – the inner sanctum where great thoughts are thunked and dunked and decisions affecting millions of unsuspecting Americans are made.

Here is the actual word for word transcript of Walmart CEO Bert “The Predator” Snerdly dictating a letter to his executive secretary Elvira Crinklebottom.

Don’t ask us how we got hold of this. Loose lips sink ships.

SNERDLY: “Miss Crinklebottom take a letter: To distinguished board members of Walmart, our DC lobbying team, the Koch brothers, our dear friend Communist (Party) Chinese leader and President Hu Jintao, etc. etc.

Guys, we gotta do something about these overpaid workers of ours. The quarterlies are getting harder and harder to pump up (which cuts into my bonus pay big time) which means we gotta get this worker wage thing under control once and for all.

The more wages we cut, the more we all make for ourselves. It’s simple math.

How do you think we got so freaking big? By being nice guys?

Do you realize some of these low life employees of ours (Oh. Excuuuuuuuse meeeee! Our “associates”) actually make up to two dollars an hour over minimum wage!

Now show me where in the bible or the U.S. Constitution it says these snot nosed little grunts should make that kind of money at the expense of me, the other executives in the company, the rich folks that own our stock or the Walton family?

Hah! You can’t do it can you?!!

Proof positive that we gotta hit that employee wage thing and hit it hard. There’s no reason these unwashed little pimple zits can’t make the $2.30 an hour that I made when I was coming up. And look how well I did!

You don’t hear me bitching and moaning I had to work for $2.30 an hour do you?

Of course not. Working for dirt wages builds character. It says so in the bible.


So, Bill (Bill “The Hammer” Moorehead is Walmart’s board chairman) I want you to call the Koch brothers (great Americans by the way!) to get their DC lobby team from Koch Industries to hook up with our monster lobbying machine in DC and let’s start buying off a few more congressmen and senators and before you know it we’ll get rid of this whole dammed communist minimum wage thing altogether!

Let’s also get the Tea Party involved. Hell, the Koch Brothers and us are financing all their crap to begin with so they’ll do what we tell them or else we cut off the money supply.

And send a news release to FOX News (great Americans!). They run everything we send. We need some favorable media coverage on this.

You all know as well as I do the only ones who want that minimum wage crap in this country are liberals and commies and socialists and liberal communists and liberal socialists who are probably all gay to boot. (Homos all of them!)

Oh sure, we ourselves are so deep in bed with the commies in Mainland China on the manufacturing and distribution end that we have to grease up with primo lube and use triple-strength condoms every time we have a business meeting with those guys, but that’s for a damned good reason: so we can make a ton of money!

Every commie is a good commie if they wanna help us make money and by God these commie boys in China sure as hell do!! (They may be commies but they got that green religion we can relate to).

Oh yeah sure, I can hear it now. The sob stories from families of our great fighting military men whose bones are rotting in the ground at Arlington and other cemeteries after they fought and died in wars trying to stop the commies from taking over America and here we are helping them do it without firing a shot.

Boo hoo hoo. Hey, nobody forced them to go get all shot up. They volunteered for the gig so get over it.

I for one say it’s okay for the commies to take over America with their cheap imports we sell for them (which are killing all the good American jobs, thank God) as long as they’re in bed with us and helping us make a s * * t load of money AND helping us get rid of the few remaining high wage jobs left in America -- which only makes more customers for us!

Hey, if the average American schmuck can’t make any decent money working for a living, he can’t afford to shop anywhere else but a Walmart store!

Is that a great growth strategy or what?”

The more the working class schmucks drop like flies and go to the poor house as a result of dirt wages, the bigger we get!!!

God but I love this job.”


MISS CRINKLEBOTTOM: “Uh, Mr. Snerdly are you sure you want to say those things about commies and dead American fighting men in their graves? You know that stuff could get you in some hot w………”

SNERDLY: “Damn straight I wanna say that stuff! Look, we’re so big and powerful right now – hell we OWN the entire U.S. Congress and the commie Chinese are already in our hip pocket – that we can say and do anything we want anywhere any time and nobody can stop us!

Hell, look what we did recently to those simple-minded hicks on the city council in Monroe, Washington.

We got our PR team in there fast, got into bed with em’, kept it all real quiet so the public never found out what was up, made them promises, blew our patented bulls * * t in their ears, bent them over, had our way and took them to the cleaners on that North Kelsey land deal with developer David Sabey (a great American!) and made them do precisely what we wanted them to do.

Now we’re marching in there as pretty as we please like the Third Reich marched into France -- and at a discount price!

So you think those mealy mouthed little Monroe punks are gonna criticize me in public over anything I say?

Sure. When hell freezes over.

God almighty those dweebs are dumb as dirt and afraid of their own shadows!


In fact we got small town dummy city councils like that one across this country hooked so bad on the tax revenues our stores generate – like crack cocaine for small town governments – and we’ve killed off so many of their local businesses and the tax revenues and good paying jobs those businesses generated, that we've got their backs up against a wall!

Now we have them right where we want them – afraid the old Walmart gang will pack up and leave town some day and they’ll be left with nothing but a gutted community that looks like London after the WW2 blitzkrieg.

By the way, take a side memo Crinklebottom: make sure that pasty faced little pudge of a Monroe city councilman named John Stima gets a fat campaign donation from us.

He’s one of us (a great American!) and by God we gotta take care of our own.

Same thing for that addle brained Monroe Mayor, guy named Zimmerman. Ya gotta love that guy Zimmerman even though he has cheese cloth for brains.

A guy who has absolutely no profile of himself on the city website (a blank page for Chrissakes!) and who refuses to take any questions from the socialist commie pinko news media guys unless they submit questions in writing.

God but I love that dude! (Oh sure, he’s paranoid as hell and goofy as a loon in June but who cares as long as he does what we say?)

In fact, let’s see if we can get that guy Zimmerman to come work for us. He might have Walmart executive potential.

Same thing for those great Americans (great Americans by God!!) Monroe city council members Margie Rodriguez, Tony Balk, Kurt Goering and Tom Williams, all who voted to approve our final construction site plan in their backwater town.

Send those toe pickers a huge campaign donation as well. We need more elected officials like those in our pockets.

But don’t send a dammed penny to those socialist traitors, those Godless troglodytes and heathens Bridgette Tuttle and Patsy Cudaback, also Monroe council members.

How dare they defy us! Don’t they know who we are? Don’t they know we always get what we want because we’re the ones with the muscle, the money, the clout, the big PR teams and all the politicians and chamber of commerce yahoos in our pockets?

Well, that’s about it Miss Crinklebottom. Oh. One more thing.


Our anti-union propaganda film – the one we make new employees sit and watch before they ever start working on the sales floor – is getting a little long in the tooth.

The people in it are wearing bell-bottom pants and long hair and using words like “groovy”. Must have been made in the 70’s.

So we need to freshen it up a bit. Don’t spend too much money doing it though!

Have one of our minimum wage workers get an old 486 chip Windows computer – better yet have him use his own computer at home - and do some editing on it.


Walmart CEO
Bert “The Predator” Snerdly

Editor’s Note: it is possible the Snerdly memo was a figment of an editorial writer’s fertile imagination. But don’t bank on it

Postscript: In 2004 Walmart donated $1 Billion (US) dollars to Tsinghua University in (communist) China to establish China’s first ever “institute for retailing research” while here at home in America thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of its employees were so poorly paid they were forced to rely on taxpayer money (via state operated low income health plans) to see a doctor or get their kids medical care.

In effect, American taxpayers were heavily subsidizing Walmart’s poorly paid employees – who came hat in hand like beggars to the government - while Walmart was giving $1 Billion dollars to communists in China.

One can only imagine how many jobs for communists in China that $1 Billion dollars generated, while here in America one could hear the deafening roar of a huge sucking sound as millions of good paying American jobs were exported to places like China, Mexico, India and other countries.

Whenever a company boasts of deeply discounted goods – deeper than any local competitor can match – critics say that somewhere in the food chain there is a high and very damaging human price to pay for that low cost.

Here in the U.S. much of what Walmart peddles in its stores is cheap imported goods (most of it from their pals in China).

But the behemoth retailer operates much differently in Mainland Communist China.

Walmart says in China (in a note about its China operations posted on the Walmart website as of April 2011) it “believes in local sourcing. We have established partnerships with nearly 20,000 suppliers in China. Over 95% of the merchandise in our stores in China is sourced locally. Meanwhile, Walmart is committed to local talent development and diversity, especially the cultivation and full utilization of female staff and executives.”

Go to any nearby Walmart store in America. Attempt to locate one store - just one - that has 95% of all the products in that store produced by Americans on American soil. Evidently Walmart has a different priority when it comes to keeping its communist pals happy.

Here in America there is also a different spin on that "female staff" utilization thing.

Recently the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments in a case involving one million American women who want the right to collectively sue Walmart in a class action suit filed ten years ago.

It alleges that women had been paid less than men in comparable positions in Walmart in violation of Title VII, the federal law that prohibits sex discrimination.

Walmart is fighting the effort by those women to sue as a class. A decision is likely to come in early summer.

Tags: Walmart, Walmart China, Monroe, U.S. Supreme Court, class action suit



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