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Gold Bar & upper valley crime by the numbers

June 05, 2015

Crime by the colored numbers. CLICK TO ENLARGE
Chronicle News & Expert Analysis

(GOLD BAR, WA.) -- It was another dark and stormy night as the criminal element began to ooze out of its crypts, caves and crevices.

They (the criminals) were of all manner and stripe: straight-up drooling, wild-eyed dope fiends, burglars, after-hours thieves of the highest order, other miscreants of mayhem like zombie shoplifters, blood-suckers and assorted other foul and freaky highwaymen and perverts of the first degree.

Did we mention dope fiends?

At any rate, this motley assortment of scumbags was once again held in check by the diligent work of the gendarmes, better known in these parts as the fine men and women of the Snohomsh County Sheriff's office.

Before we get to the actual crime numbers for Gold Bar and the upper valley for May, there's a bit of business we need to get out of the way (if we may).

First off Deputy Saint-Denis has been reassigned to the Sheriff’s Office Training Unit where, among other things he will teach young recruits how to be psychic pre-cog investigators and use their inherent psychic abilities to predict crimes before they happen and then show up and arrest the perps just as they start to do the crime

This new training is all the latest rage in Europe. Our contacts there tell us crime in some areas is down by 32%. We're working on an exclusive report.

And Deputy Ron Doersch has replaced Deputy Saint-Denis. Deputy Doersch has been with the Sheriff’s Office for approximately ten years and what is really cool about this guy is that he used to be a mouthpiece. Like mob guys use when they say to the coppers, "I ainlt sayin' nuttin.' I wanna see my lawyer."

Except he didn't help perps get off by using slick legal mumbo-jumbo tricks, he was busy putting perps away because, prior to becoming a deputy sheriff, DD (as we call him) was a deputy prosecuting attorney for Snohomish County for like 30 years or something.

We're workin' on a deal where DD will hold court once a week at the Sultan Police station and give free legal advice to anyone in the valley who wants it. Would that be cool or what? You could get your will done (or cut your ingrate kids out of the will) and other stuff.

Now who else is lookin' out for yer skinny little rear end like that? Huh? That squirly, squeamy little Everett Herald? We think not kiddo. So you better shape up and figure out where your bread gets buttered. Don't make us get up off this couch and open up a can of you know what.


A traffic safety emphasis patrol in the Gold Bar Region yielded "just a few tickets for speeding, driving without a valid license, and unsafe passing." The visible police presence (we call it the PP factor in the trade) appeared to reduce safety violations.

Uh, yeah. That's fer sure dude. The first thing a perp does when he sees a copper-mobile ahead is stash all the dope under his seat, start to sweat as he slows his rig down and prays to the gods of darkness the coppers don't stop him. Yeah that PP thing does the trick.


Deputies assisted Gold Bar Animal Control with three dog-related incidents, including one dog bite. Ouch. Did you know that all dogs on the planet today are descendants of ancient wolves? True fact. You can Google it.

Deputies assisted aid personnel with a subject who overdosed on opioids (a polite word for dope) in a residence on 9th Street. The 23-year old male survived after being treated with Naloxone. Lucky dude. Lottsa guys OD for real and go straight to meet Jesus.

Deputies responded to a report of a rumble-tumble fight at the Gazebo near City Hall. "The involved subjects denied fighting and no one was injured." (If we'd been there we would have taken bets on who was gonna get knocked out. What's a fistfight good for if you can't make a little dough on it?)


Deputies submitted case reports documenting 1 burglary of a home while the owners were on vacation. Man, you cannot leave your crib alone in this country anymore to go off on holiday otherwise some freaky, wild-eyed dope-fiend perp will break in and steal everything you own. There oughta be a law.

Other case reports:

1 theft of bicycles (what kind of low life scum would steal a kid's bike?)
1 theft of jewelry by an invited guest (let this be a lesson kids, don't invite scumbags to the house)
1 fraud
1 shoplift

4 vandalisms (rural areas like this are just filthy with vandals)
1 trespass
1 civil property complaint
2 welfare checks (no, the cops didn't write a check and give it somebody for their welfare, what they did was...never mind)

2 missing persons

3 domestic disturbances, 1 domestic violence arrest (the world is filled with domestic problems, it's like MERSA...it's in the soil, in the air...everywhere. Somewhere right this moment, somebody in a live-in scene with another somebody is eating a knuckle sandwich and marveling at just how stupid they were to get involved with that psycho)

1 DUI arrest
2 warrant arrests


Complaint Summary for Index. Deputies responded to the following:

1 indecent exposure complaint regarding a "transient subject" who said he was just adjusting his belt and did not expose himself. (That stuff gives us the dry heaves and the heebie-jeebies. Does that mean this guy was walkin' around town with his Johnson hangin' out of his pants? God almighty. What has this country come to?)

7 complaints and information requests regarding another transient subject wandering into town over approximately 10 days. Are transients attracted to tiny Index? If so, what for? God knows there ain't much there. No strip joints or gambling houses, no hookers (that we know of) no S & M joints, no pool halls, no movie theaters...nuthin. Take a memo Ms. Pivnick. We have to look into that and file a report from the field. There could be something nefarious going on in that burg.

1 traffic complaint about a male driving while possibly not licensed and two self generated security checks at the school. One theft was reported to a deputy and referred to the online crime reporting system.


Our favorite part. See them at top right. Click the icon to enlarge.

Note: The numbers above do not always match the numbers shown in the colored charts in part because the statistics in the charts are pulled from dispatch records, which do not always accurately reflect the final type for the service call.

For example a deputy may respond to a suspicious circumstance call and later change the type to "psycho zombie dope fiend naked, on a rampage with a machete," because that is what the deputy found when he got there.

Crime is like a box of chocolates. Ya' all just don't know what you're gonna get until you get there and open the box.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

The end.



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