Chronicle News & Expert Analysis
BAR, WA.) -- It is with great
pleasure we can report that the assorted scoundrels, thieves,
perverts, highwaymen of all stripes,
serial robbers and killers and fully tattooed Neanderthals were kept
in check in the month of June.
And thus they were prevented from
causing too much undue harm to the decent, God fearing men and
women of the Gold Bar area. Can we get an amen on that somebody?
The vermin (we call them perps in the
trade) were kept in check by the fine men and women of the Snohomish
County Sheriff's office and if you had any gratitude whatsoever you'd
put a couple of double-sawbucks in an envelope right now and mail it
to the local precinct with a few words of thanks.
So without further ado (because Mr. Ado
has left the building) here's the cop shop action for the month of
June. Pay attention and keep your hands to yourselves. There may be a
test on this stuff later.
CALLS FOR SERVICE DOCUMENTED BY CASE
1 Vandalism (the vandals took the
handle while Johnny was in the basement)
3 Thefts (rural American is just
filthy with thieves, especially when it's a slow month with meth
1 Forgery (ah, that sounds
1 Strong-arm Robbery (are you
kidding? we actually got street muscle pulling strong arms out here?
1 Commercial Burglary (that means a
business was burgled, not a house)
1 Residential Alarm (possible
1 Warrant Arrest
1 Traffic violation
1 DUI (stands for drunk and stupid
and maybe doped up as well)
1 DUI Collision ( stands for drunk
and stupid and crashing your car into stuff)
1 Regular collision (means you
might have been stupid but were not doped up or drunk)
1 Drug arrest (one more dope fiend
taken off the street, can we get an amen on that?)
1 Overdose (the dude did not croak
otherwise we would have been notified)
1 Mental health (somebody either
went postal or was about to go postal, which is easy to do in this
screwed up world)
1 Suicide threat (see above about
1 Missing person
3 Disturbances (often times a bar
fight, loud parties or dope heads lighting firecrackers in their
mouths because it seemed like a fun thing to do)
3 Domestic Violence Assaults (somebody who once
said "I do" and "I love you honey
buns" is always getting whacked around by the dude she said "I
do" to -- or the once hot babe HE said "I do" to)
2 Death Investigations (we're
pretty sure they were natural causes but in case it was found out one
or both parties got whacked, like in a murder, you'll read all the
grim details about the crimes here in the Chronicle...better known as
True Crime Nation).
CHILD LURING INCIDENT
This happened on July 4th but due to
misinformation "circulating on the web" this incident is
noted in the June Report.
An elementary school aged child while
outside playing, came close to a brushy area near the city well on
1st Avenue West. A “shaggy” appearing man who was concealed in
the brush called to the child “come over here.”
The child stepped away and the man
stepped out toward the boy. The boy then ran home and alerted his
parents. The man ran away.
Police say there is NO evidence that
the man intended to or attempted to pursue, abduct or otherwise harm
the child. Nevertheless, an element of the crime of luring includes
"an unlawful attempt to lure a child into an area that is
concealed from view."
A police K-9 was deployed but did not
locate the man. "Investigation confirmed that
someone had been in the brush where the child indicated, and had
left in the direction indicated by the child."
No identifying information has been
developed for the man.
Case # 15-03. Index had one incident,
a death investigation, cleared with a case report in June. This was
only the third case number issued in 2015. By this time in 2014,
Index was assigned case # 14-10.
THE COLOR CHARTS
Note: The numbers in the color charts
above right do not always match the numbers you see above, in part because the statistics in the
charts are pulled from dispatch records which do not always
accurately reflect the final type for the service call. For example,
a deputy may respond to a suspicious circumstance and later (when
things are all sorted out and what's what and who's who is in better
focus) change the type to "UFO landing followed by assault by
The charts above compare calls for
service in the reporting months to the same months in the previous
year and provide a monthly average (Typical Month) in each category.
Data displayed is for all dispatch
groups provided service by the Gold Bar Region (KK) and Index (RR)
police agencies. All statistics may be viewed at Gold Bar City Hall
if you walk in fully clothed, don't have your fingers in your nose
and aren't acting all weird and stuff.