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Crime in the small city by the numbers

February 17, 2016

Gold Bar crime by the numbers. CLICK TO ENLARGE
Chronicle news & expert crime analysis
By Saxophone Joe Carter

(GOLD BAR, WA.) -- It was a dark, foul, nasty and vermin infected night.

A night like any other when all decent, God fearing gun owning citizens of Gold Bar were tucked away in their beds by 10 pm as all decent people should be.

And by the way, speaking of gun owning...if you live out here and you don't own one, then by God you're not even close to being an American.

If you haven't got a decent heater tucked away in that night stand loaded with some high-speed hollow point ammo then most likely you're one of those commie pinko socialist bed wetter liberals that are dragging this country straight into the hell-fired furnace of full bore socialism.

You know what we mean. One of those places where everyone wants to have health insurance and crap and be able to afford to go the doctor and buy medicines and take their kids to the doctor and get em' operations when they need them and have decent old age pensions so they don't have to eat dog food and work at Walmart in their 70's and can afford to buy medicine when they get old and creaky.

That kind of crap. Socialism.

So listen up pal. If you wanna fit in out here in the mighty (but rainy, gray, poverty ridden and dreary as hell) Sky Valley you better go out a get yerself a gun. And we don't mean one of those sissy-boy pissant .38's or 9mm junk jobs those little college boys in Seattle own.

We're talkin' big bore, son. A man's gun. If that caliber don't have a .44 or a .45 in it, then you do NOT want it.

And you sure as hell do not want to be seen at the gun range with a sissy boy .38. You'd be lucky to get out of there alive showing up with one of those pissant pinko poopy pistols. That's the kind of crap gun Commies own.

At minimum get yourself a .44 Special and pack that bad boy with a Keith load: a powder stuffed brass case topped with a 250-grain hard cast semi-wad cutter bullet that flies out the tube at about 1,000 feet per second (FPS). That load will stop a 3,000 year old vampire dead in his tracks.

Will make that sucker do the funky chicken. Make that punk sorry he ever ran into a full blooded American that was packin' a man's heater.

But we digress.

Here's some of the notable crimes that went down in and around Gold Bar in January of this year compliments of the fine men and women of the Snohomish County Sheriff's Office.

Vehicle prowl: suspect busted. Guy reported his vehicle prowled on at Verlinde Drive and two cellular phones were stolen by the scumbag what did it. But the scumbag didn't count on this.

Two days later, a security application on one of the phones was activated which allowed the coppers to trace right to the scumbag.

(God dang! Don't you just love all that technology crap?)

Anyway, dude was traced to his crib on Linda Avenue (Linda was gone that day) "where deputies recovered both cell pones and the perp."

Dude pleaded guilty to gross-misdemeanor charges and spent about 11 days in the county lockup. That should teach the little skunker a lesson.

And deputies are working on a few additional property crimes, including at least two January burglaries, where the M.O. (that's cop shop talk for Modus Operandi) is "suggestive of a known male suspect."

The gendarmes say a possible perp (perp is cop lingo) on these crimes was identified from fingerprints left at the scene of a man responsible for two burglaries at the Post Office in late 2014.

Video from a third Post Office burglary does not show the actual crime but does show the same man in the Post Office during the time frame of the burglary. Ah, the plot thickens. We smell a perp bust brewing.

The clean up gang

The Snohomish Regional Drug and Gang Taskforce has been assisting Gold Bar Region deputies in cleaning up a group of properties in the area.

These "locations" were selected based upon criteria that included suspected drug violations (i.e., dopers) building and land use code violations (think seedy dope dens), landlord tenant violations, health and septic violations (you don't wanna know what goes on with that), solid waste violations (which can mean dope fiends pooping out on a front lawn somewhere) and more which, when combined, "placed the properties into a public nuisance category as defined by law."

Uh, yeah. We'd say so.

The assistance of the fine Snohomish Regional Drug and Gang Taskforce (SRGDT) has been of great help to the local gendarmes in cleaning up a nuisance property off Dorman Road, which was "impacting crime rates and nuisance violations in Gold Bar."

"As a result, the traffic of drug and property crime offenders through Gold Bar, to and from the subject property has been significantly reduced," the sheriffs office confided in this fine publication. God bless all you SRGDT folks.

If the people around here had any sense of decency and appreciation, every man woman and child would send you like a couple hundred bucks in a nice card that says, "Go out and have a good time on us. You deserve it!"

But noooooooooo. Problem is, they're all socialists. They want everything for nothing.

They want their tax dollars to buy everything for them including police protection. That's called socialist commie pinko poopie-pie policing. But that's another story. (About socialists)

Anyway, at upper right you'll find the cool color charts that show all the crime stats. You can get all this info at city hall if you don't show up naked with your hair on fire babbling away in tongues and screaming at the top of your lungs that you have the Black Plague.

Hey, that stuff happens.



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