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Crime & grime by the numbers

October 08, 2015

Gold Bar & Index Crime by the Numbers. CLICK TO OPEN
Chronicle Crime News & Expert Analysis

(GOLD BAR, WA.) -- Stand up and rejoice, oh yee of little faith for September was a month when the local gendarmes did an extraordinary job of keeping the local criminal element in check and at bay.

The Chronicle's Law & Justice Committee has been crunching the crime numbers and committee Chairman Saxophone Joe Carter (USMC Retired) said, "Fabulous numbers! Just fabulous. The fine men and women of the Thin Blue Line (the Snohomish County Sheriff's Office) are to be duly congratulated and recognized for doing a sensational job in keeping the local slime-ball criminal element in check so that the rest of us decent, God fearing, law abiding, gun owning Christians can walk out our front doors in the morning and not fear some rabid dope fiend hop-head taking a shot at us or throwing some crude pipe bomb on the porch just for fits and giggles."

Mr. Carter is creating in his home workshop a hand crafted, museum quality gold plated medallion as a commemorative reminder for the community of just how safe September 2015 was.

Carter added that he personally felt so safe during the month that not once did he strap on his full leather shoulder holster ($174.99 + tax and shipping from Cabelas) and slide into it his $3,500 custom 14-shot (staggered magazine) Colt model 1911 semi-auto chambered in .45 caliber and sporting a special 7-inch "long slide" barrel which throws a 230-grain, high-speed hand load hardcast lead round out the muzzle at 1,200 feet per second that will flat knock down and send to meet Jesus just about anything on two or four legs in North America.

But we digress. Now, onto the crime and grime stuff for September, what little of it there is:

Gold Bar: Case Report Summary
Property Crimes, 3 (Three lousy property crimes. That ain't diddlesquat in a Tweedledum patch)
Burglary, 1 (Only one for the entire month! Wonder if all the dope fiends OD'd or something)
Attempted Burglary, 2
Theft, 1

Persons Crimes:
2 Assaults,
2 Harassment cases
Substance Abuse: 1 DUI (DUI stands for drunk and stupid and cross-eyed)
Other: 1 Warrant Arrest, 1 Disturbance, 1 Mental Health Referral

Attempted Burglary: A known male suspect (we call them perps in the trade) with a prior burglary conviction was caught on camera attempting to break into a residence, "ultimately tripping the monitored burglary alarm and fleeing."

Is that cool or what? We love it when these dope head pinko bed wetters trip a burglar alarm and run like banshees when all that noise starts. Serves the little skunk-bags right. But we digress.

Regarding the above incident the gendarmes commented:

"Video and photo security devices are becoming increasingly affordable and diverse with simple systems starting at less than $100, more capable multi-camera systems available for a few hundred dollars, and monitored alarm systems with live Internet video feed available for a monthly service fee."

"Video and photos improve security by providing evidence that can lead to convictions and potentially reducing crime in an area. Alarm systems can improve security by deterring a break-in or by deterring theft and/or additional damage after a criminal breaks in. In this case, we get the benefit of both where the alarm system caused the burglar to leave and the video system identified him to law enforcement."

All of which is cop shop lingo for: "Don't be a cheapskate Bubba and don't be a sitting duck for some drooling dope fiend burglar miscreant. Go out and buy an alarm system."

It's one of the best investments you can make, especially if you're a woman living alone because sometimes perverts like to target the houses of women who live alone so they can steal their underwear and stuff and/or maybe do a peeping Tom thing where they stand outside and look in windows to see if they can catch some hot Babette naked or something.

That's what perverts do. That's why they call them perverts.

Only one call of note for the entire village of Index (land of the free, home of the wavy-gravy) for September. Deputies made contact with a guy who was doing some sort of "erratic behavior" and they took him to a care facility for a mental health checkup.

Security tip: Get to know your neighbors, even if they are jerks who keep rusted out cars in their front yard and don't have any teeth and don't bathe on a regular basis.

You see, in our modern society many victims of crimes report to police that they don't know who their neighbors are and thus they haven't a clue what people and vehicles are usually in their hood and they sometimes don't even know whether there is more than one possible route to get to or from their homes...and they usually don't know what day it is, what year it is or who the President of the USA is or why actor Gary Busey is so freaking weird.

In other words, these people have taken too many hits in the head with a four-pound hammer. Either that or they spent to much times watching those toothless morons on Duck Dynasty (who eat ducks raw because they don't know how to light a fire).

Getting to know your neighbors and your hood helps you and them to recognize when something just isn’t right or when someone in the neighbor’s back yard just doesn’t belong there, like a naked lumberjack babbling away in tongues and getting set to light his hair on fire. That's always a tipoff there's something not right about to go down.

Why, just recently the "East Precinct deputies responded to a report of a person in a neighbor’s back yard who did not belong there, and ultimately arrested the burglar as he fled and recovered the neighbor’s stolen property," said a statement from the gendarmes office.

See? That's why it's good to know the hood and your neighbors, even if they don't have no teeth and talk like the morons on Duck Dynasty or actually have teeth and talk like the morons on that Kardashians TV show.

We think the morons on Duck should marry the morons on Kardashians so they could breed world class morons called Dardashians -- who of course would end up with their own hit TV show and make millions without ever having to have a real job. Is this a weird country or what?

But we digress.

On to the numbers now. Click the icon at upper right to open and see all the crime stuff in pretty colored charts.

Note that the numbers we mentioned above do not always match the numbers shown in the charts, in part because the statistics above are pulled from dispatch records which do not always accurately reflect the final type for the service call.

A deputy may respond to a suspicious circumstance (like "dope fiend under a car with no pants on") and later change the type to "dope fiend eating a balloon filled with heroin."

All the statistics may be viewed at Gold Bar City Hall, assuming you show up acting normal and don't say something stupid like, "Say...what's yer sign?"

Thank you for your attention to this matter.



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