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GOLD BAR AND UP VALLEY CRIME BY THE NUMBERS
August 12, 2015
Chronicle News & Expert Analysis
GOLD BAR & INDEX CRME BY THE NUMBERS. CLICK TO ENLARGE
(GOLD BAR, WA.) -- It was a dark, hot, humid and sweltering summer night when an assortment of scoundrels, scalawags and all around miscreants began to make their presence known.
For all decent, god fearing Gold Barians it was but one more tale of crime and grime in the Naked City.
And thus here for your dining and dancing pleasure are those crime and grime highlights for the month of July according to the numbers kept by the Snohomish County Sheriff's office.
There was a burglary at a Gold Bar city shop area. Unknown perps (probably wild eyed dope fiends carrying bloody hatchets) scaled the fence two mornings in a row, entering the yard at the city public works shop.
It was rude and uncalled for.
The perps attempted to boost "a broken chainsaw motor with no value other than possible scrap or parts." Now you know why prisons are full.
What kind of morons try to boost a broken chain saw? The perps got away.
Possible luring on July 4th. An unidentified man who was partially concealed in the brush on 1st Avenue West called to a child to “come over here.” The child got scared and ran to tell his parents. The man fled toward 1st Street. A K-9 was able to track the man for a short distance but he was not located. His motive in asking the child to come near him was not known.
Drug emphasis: Drug Task Force agents and deputies conducted operations in Sultan, Gold Bar and surrounding areas, contacting and "interviewing/educating several known drug dealers."
It's always fun to contact a known drug dealer/dope fiend.
First thing you have to work around is the huge silver ring they all have stuck through their noses. You have any idea what its like to talk to a dope head and not stare at that stupid ring in his nose? Well, it ain't easy.
You have to go to a special class called "Learn to talk to dope fiends," where they teach you visual techniques on how to keep your eyes focused on the dope fiend's forehead instead of his nose ring (which is usually pretty cruddy with nose goo, better known as snot that's always dripping from his nose.)
All in all, it's a pretty disgusting job but someone has to do it.
The dope fiends also have all manner of other metal things stuck all over their faces...on places like their lips and ear lobes and eye lids and cheeks. Some even have pieces of metal stuck through their tongues plus they have really ugly tattoos everywhere.
The whole thing is enough to make you gag.
4 Gas thefts at the Post Office (what kind of gas? laughing gas?)
2 other thefts,
2 strong-arm robberies
2 burglaries at the city shop
1 other burglary
2 trespassing reports
2 vandalism reports (the vandals took the handle)
1 found property
1 substance abuse (a budding dope fiend no doubt)
1 DV assault
2 disturbing the peace reports
1 mental health call
1 attempt luring
1 hit and run collision
1 collision with no crime.
There was one warrant arrest (on Index Avenue) in the lovely, up valley community of Index. Dude was wanted on some charge or the other.
Fire assist: Deputies responded to assist fire fighters to clear climbers off the Index wall so that air support could drop water on the fire.
And now the colored charts with all the numbers. Click the icon at upper right to open.
Note: The numbers above do not always match the numbers shown in the charts for reasons which escape us at the moment.
The charts and tables above compare calls for service in the reporting months to the same months in the previous year and provide a monthly average (Typical Month) in each category.
All statistics may be viewed at Gold Bar City Hall as long as you show up fully clothed, not acting like a weirdo and not speaking some gibberish or babbling like a lunatic. Nobody has time for that stuff.