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Writer finds out maybe Ice-T was right
Don't trust the cloud

November 03, 2017

Actor-rapper Ice-T on the set of the hit TV series "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," in the streets of Manhattan in March 2011. Photo: Flickr
Chronicle staff,

(MONROE, WA.) -- We cracked a smile this week thanks to a short piece penned by writer Steve Rousseau who said there's this favorite tweet of his that was written back in January of 2014 by actor-rapper Ice-T.

Ice-T wrote, "I refuse to connect to the f**kin CLOUD!"

What Rosseau found out was this: Ice-T was right. Don't connect to the cloud.

You see, Ice-T is from the streets. And as a street guy, he understands right quick when he sees a con and a crock of monkey poop being passed off as something that's "good" for him and not the guy running the con.

Reality break: when you put YOUR stuff in "the cloud" - which is actually just a gaggle of hardware, a bunch of powerful computer servers that you do not own nor do you control nor do you know even in which country they sit - you no longer have CONTROL over your own stuff.

You are, in the words of the street, big time hosed bro. But you won't know that until something goes south.

The day things went south

Writing on DIGG, Rousseau noted that on Tuesday, "A Google Docs algorithm went wild and erroneously flagged a number of documents as in violation of their Terms of Service. Some of those documents were mine. One of which was an important feature I'd been editing for the better part of a month."

Uh-oh. Now what, he thought, as his innards began to churn and perhaps a certain orifice began to pucker up as they are sometimes want to do in these situations.

"For the longest time, Google Docs seemed like the future. All you need to access it is a web browser. It automatically tracks versions. Commenting is nicer to look at. It's just way less of a pain in the ass compared to industry-standard Microsoft Word," said Rosseau.

But now, after his not so pleasant experience about who really controls the stuff he creates and owns when it sits in "the cloud," what does he think now?

"Now, I'm not so sure. I mean, yeah, I've passively consumed warnings about the inherent risks of relying on servers you don't own to store your stuff. On Tuesday it actually happened. Not because I was doing anything malicious, or I was a victim of an attack, but because of a dang bug. By pure dumb luck I was locked out of hours and hours of work."

And so, he concludes, "Maybe, I, too, now refuse to connect to the f**kin' cloud. "

The stupidness of the cloud

Think of the inherent stupidness of the cloud this way for the suckers that use it: assume for a moment this fine, family oriented highly respected news publication puts together a "money cloud."

You send us your hard earned money and we put it for safe keeping into our money cloud, which is actually just a bank we own in Ireland (instead of a bank of computer servers in that country).

Then an "algorithm" goes goofy one day or a hacker gets into our money cloud and we flag your money account as in "violation" of our terms of service -- all that fine 5-point sized print our lawyers cooked up that nobody reads when they sign on for anything these days.

Your account is frozen and now you can't get your "stuff" (your money) out of our cloud -- since our cloud (bank) resides in Ireland it and is governed by the laws of that country.

You begin to panic. What do I do now?

Now, here's the kicker: when such a dispute arises - "You got my money suckuh' and I want it back!" - how many average Americans do you think can afford to hire an attorney in Ireland to try and get their money back?

And if they could afford to hire one, how on earth would they know they weren't hiring an alcoholic or dope addict hack of a barrister who can't see straight, or worse yet an alcoholic crook who'll take more of your money and never get your original "cloud" money back?

And finally, here's the really funny part about all this that some of you out there in reader land may be too young to remember.

The revolution started without you

There was this thing that started in the 1980's but really took hold strong in the 1990's. It was called the personal computer "revolution."

The reason Microsoft became so huge and successful was because, thanks to their company's software Windows, people no longer needed to just have a "dumb terminal" (a computer monitor) on their desks that was attached to a big mainframe computer somewhere else in the building or even 20 miles away.

Those mainframes were the things that stored and handled all the data. The dumb terminal was just that. Dumb.

With a PC loaded with Windows, you could cut the chains of the evil mainframe system and be in control of your own destiny. You could control and take your data anywhere in the world.

And so where is the human race today?

A whole new generation of suckers never, it appears, learned a thing from the PC revolution. Now they've gone back into chains, back into having all their stuff on somebody else's mainframe computers only this time that bondage is quaintly referred to as the benign, ever-so-friendly "cloud".

Which is proof number 42,367 that human beings never ever learn and remain as dumb as two day-old donuts.



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