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How To Have A Happy & Propserous 2018
January 01, 2018

[Editor's Note: for a long time readers have asked the Chronicle's well known tour bus driver, registered investment counselor, advice columnist and professional psychic Gerald "Jabby" Hayes of our R & D Dept. in Seattle's SODO district for his highly insightful recommendations on how to have a happy, safe and prosperous New Year. So without further ado....

How To Have A Happy New Year
Special to The Chronicle
By Gerald "Jabby" Hayes, Executive V.P., Chronicle's R & D Division

(SEATTLE, WA.) -- You wanna be happier this new year than you were last year? Well the first thing you need to do is this: quit reading, watching and listening to so much damned news.

What the hell's the matter with you people? You've created a 17-second news cycle that you're now slaves to. You have to be tuned in at every waking moment to find out what the hell is going on anywhere in the world.

You're locked into this pig tighter than a drooling, bug-eyed maniac wrapped in a straight jacket in the loony bin.

You got news apps on your damned phone, lap top, tablet, you watch the news all the time on the damned tee-vee and on the Internet, you listen to that crap on the radio, you got CNN speed dialed into your brain (or Fox News, for those of you who are mentally ill and wander the country side naked and blabbering complete gibberish).

And as a result of being oh-so up to the second "news junkies" you're a jumble of frayed nerves and nervous ticks. You're tense all the time, nervous, angry, hearing voices (most of you are stocking up on bulk .223 ammo for that day when you go postal) your marriage is on the rocks, you're wife is sleeping with 17 other women (and one currently in transition) and you've got hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits.

You're a mess.

So STOP watching-reading-listening to so much damned news! It is NOT that important. It's not even healthy. You know what the first thing a guy says who's just been rescued after being marooned on a dessert island for 7 months?

He says, "I feel great! Cause I ain't been watchin' the damn news and I don't give a rip if the world blowed up when I was gone! I feel good! Tanned, rested, lost some weight, my cholesterol's down. It's all good bro!"

When you go for like a five-day hike/camp in the mountains, you don't give a rip what you missed in the news. When you get back your mind is clear, you feel great and all is right with the world because you tuned all that negative news crapola out.

You don't care what you missed because most of this news garble is designed to get you hyper and angry and up tight so you'll do what? Watch more news!

So dial it the freak DOWN bro. Shut it off! Get your life back. Learn to take long walks in the park again with some hot babette. Take a bread baking class. Learn Tai Chi. Take some Zen meditation lessons. Get a life.

Now, there's one exception to this untethering from the news.

The one newspaper you must continue to read is this one -- the Sky Valley Chronicle, arguably the most important newspaper in the civilized world.

First of all, because it's the only one that will actually tell you the truth about what's what (including goings on with that goofball Captain Hairspray in the White House who's about to get us into a nuclear war with another goofball, Kim Jong Stupid).

Secondly, because the Chronicle is the only newspaper in North America approved by the Good Housekeeping Seal Of Better Homes & Apartments. Wanna know why it is so honored? Because it adheres strictly to the ultimate honor code of the Gold Standard of Journalism: truth, justice and the American way.

Here's some other stuff you gotta do to have a happier new year this time around.

1. Take up playing the guitar or piano or sax again. It's good for you.

2. Every day do one thing for your soul. You know, the one you sold to the man (corporation) long ago so you could afford that house in burbs....that house you now commute to (out and back) four hours a day round trip. You know, the house you feel trapped in by the big payments. The payments you can NEVER miss. Which is why your soul belongs to the man. Which is why....well...you know the rest of the drill.

3. Stop watching so much porn on the Internet. Get 4-Chan off your favorites tab. And when you DO watch that disgusting stuff, stop doing that thing with your right hand or you'll go blind. Didn't your mother ever tell you that? Jeeez. Straighten up and go get a job you little snit.

4. Never get mixed up with a woman (or a man) who is more mentally screwed up than you are. That's the best advice you'll ever get. Heed it.

5. Don't marry somebody unless you have had a LONG courtship. Wanna know why? When you have a long courtship every weird thing, every oddity, every annoying thing about that person will eventually seep out into the daylight. And once it all has seeped out and you see it for what it is and you decide you can live with it, you'll know you're marrying the right person and there will be no surprises like... finding out one day you married the Green River serial killer and realizing that all those guys out in the back yard wearing gas masks and digging up all those bodies are cops.

6. Ladies, never marry a guy who says he's sorry he broke your jaw and pulled all your hair out. These things are signs he has anger management issues.

7. Try not to live your life as a self-centered, emotionally stunted, angry, know-nothing, flabby, over weight, barely educated schmuck who can't even master mouthing a simple declarative sentence or....you'll end up getting elected President of the United States and then later indicted for...probably a whole host of things.

8. Never trust a guy named Vladimir (who used to work for the KGB) when he says with a smile, "Hey. You wanna meet Miss Moscow of 2014? She's up on the 30th floor waiting for you in the Presidential suite and she's buck naked!"

9. Never trust an idiot son-in-law named Jared who looks like a 12-year old pencil-neck geek from Harvard who advises you that it's a swell idea to fire the head of the FBI.

10 . Be a nice person whenever you can. Being a schmuck is a drag on the rest of humanity, takes too much energy to begin with and plus you'll never get into heaven to meet Jesus after you die if you act like a schmuck.

So there you go. Have a Happy New Year dudes and dudettes.



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